It wasn't started days ago, but way more before, maybe months ago. Only now, it frightens me. I'm becoming like Thomas, who full of doubts. If you think about love, then you should walk away, cause this isn't about that. It's about my future investment. Yeah, it maybe a little odd, but I don't care. Now I'm so desperate and I can't find any names on my contact to share with, and yes, they all probably slept by now by the way. And also, in my age now, my fellows are in the middle of their own "war". To share this burden, maybe it will add their minds, and I didn't intend to. threetogoes is the one medium that I think it comfort me, for now at least.

Just like you know it, I put my midterm-future-plan on G. I already made my plan, how to make it works, not just for me but also the others. Seek any opportunities so whenever I pass my graduation, I can directly get paid when working for G. That's why I always made G may top priority, rather than work on my thesis. I always built enthusiasm whenever it connected with G, just like when B so interested with our treasures, and offered us to work together to produce and distribute it as our products. And then another opportunities with some foreign G-like also cheers me up, and sometimes made me dreaming about our future collaborations and partnerships. But of course it's not as simple as I said or dream in. Like many groups, or may I say, new groups, there always be an internal problems. And for ours, the obstacles can't be so obvious than you could possibly think. The internal issues are so serious (for me). And with my positions in this groups, of course it's too hard for me think how to get through from this. So, I talked to my senior colleagues to find the solutions.

When I realize the roots from our problems, and got the solutions, just like normally middle men in every groups, I talked to the man who sat on the top. Short stories, there are discussions, that leads to...nothing. Well, at least not to, but it closest to nothing. Yep, nothing changed, nothing happened. Our top man didn't present any solutions to any of us, and yeah, it so what-the-fuck right? At first, I thought so, but then, at that time, some of our friends are have their own responsibilities that stand above G, so I thought, let's give him more times, because maybe he needs it.
"Use" the fast way with the slow methods?

But then, after one month, my doubts raised. My minds starting to confuse me with my ego insisting to take a part in this. This is what I afraid of, because once my ego involved, I hardly think straight. But the fact is, I started to think that like just me that have hope with this groups. So selfish and egoistic, am I right? Why I could made any selfish statement like that? Because the others are just keep silent and not looks like doing any moves! Simple example, the one that start discussions about having a meeting is me, not "the boss" or anyone. It feels like they don't have plans to make G shines, or to trust and live in G. I know it's so wrong to think like that, but that's what I feel right now. I hope my statement are too soon to be thoughts, and I hope it totally wrong. Let's buy some another time to figure it out.

And it leave me with another problems. What should I do right now? Start to work my thesis or keep dealing with G? Because it's hard to do both you know. But I will try to, by the way, maybe this time it will work for me. But then again, should I prepare another plan? To find a back-up or a really new investments? In the end, I hope I can figure it out, but for now, I will put my study first than the others, and also observe to test my -hopefully wrong- assumptions. In the end, Thank to you threetogoes, for ignoring my grammars.

3:47 AM
September 1st, 2013.